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FLASHSALE
Hi neurodivergent besties! I have been thinking about this a lot lately and it seemed like something to both bring to you all on and also process myself, so I want to start this post with a questions: When was the last time you did something simply because it was fun?
Not because it was productive.
Not because it was good for your mental health.
Not because you could turn it into a hobby, a side hustle, or something to check off your list.
Just because you wanted to.
For many women with ADHD, this question can be surprisingly difficult to answer, because we become very good at doing, managing, remembering, planning, catching up, and trying to keep everything together.
And somewhere along the way, play can quietly disappear as our energy and brain power/spoons for the day shift to managing instead of being.
When everything becomes about productivity
For many women, especially those diagnosed with ADHD later in life, productivity can become tangled up with self-worth as we process the lifetime we spent always feeling like we were falling behind.
Many of us hold the shame that we are lazy, scattered, forgetful, or inconsistent. Over-productivity can mask that when we learn to compensate for our shortcomings by working harder, being more organized, more prepared, and more responsible. Those are the very things that dim our ability to connect with joy and play.
So when you finally have an hour to yourself, your first thought might not be:
“What sounds fun?”
It might be:
“What should I get done?”
The laundry.
The emails.
The dishes.
The errand you’ve been putting off.
Even our hobbies can become another opportunity to perform, because we want to be good at them…duh. We want to finish them and justify the time and money we’re spending.
And suddenly, something that was supposed to bring us joy becomes another item on the list.
What if play doesn’t need a purpose?
I think there is something powerful about doing something that has no measurable outcome.
Coloring without making something beautiful.
Digging in the dirt.
Building something with your hands.
Reading a novel in the middle of the afternoon.
Buying the markers because you like the colors.
Taking a walk and noticing things along the way.
Making something badly.
Trying something once and never doing it again.
There is freedom in doing something that doesn’t need to become anything.
Play gives us permission to be curious instead of competent and for those of us who have spent years trying to prove that we are capable, that can be a radical shift.
Maybe you didn’t “grow out of” play
Sometimes I wonder if neurodivergent women actually grow out of play or if we simply become too busy surviving.
Maybe you stopped drawing because there were more important things to do, stopped dancing because you became self-conscious, or stopped rying new things because being bad at something felt uncomfortable.
Maybe you learned that being responsible was more valuable than being curious. Maybe you were praised for being helpful, successful, or accomplished, but rarely for simply being delighted.
And maybe your younger self is still there, still curious, still creative, still wanting to play.
Play can be part of healing
When we talk about ADHD support, we often talk about executive functioning, routines, organization, time management, and getting things done.
Those things can be incredibly helpful, but I personally don’t believe our healing is about becoming better at functioning.
I want there to be room for becoming more alive, too and to come home to the person we have always been.
For joy.
For curiosity.
For creativity.
For spontaneity.
For doing things that don’t make you more productive but make you feel more like yourself, because your life is more than the things you accomplish.
A little permission
So consider this your permission slip…
You are allowed to have hobbies that don’t become businesses.
You are allowed to start something and abandon it.
You are allowed to be bad at something.
You are allowed to spend money on art supplies without becoming an artist.
You are allowed to rest before everything is finished.
You are allowed to do something simply because it makes you happy.
You don’t have to earn joy.
A small invitation for this week
This week, pause and try something different. Ask yourself: “What sounds fun?”
And if you don’t know the answer, that’s okay…start smaller.
- What used to make you curious?
- What did you love as a kid?
- What makes you lose track of time?
- What makes you laugh?
- What have you always wanted to try?
You don’t have to overhaul your life or became a new person, maybe you just buy the crayons at Target. Maybe you put on your favorite song and notice how it makes your body feel. Maybe you sit outside with your coffee and watch the birds.
Maybe you do absolutely nothing productive for twenty minutes and maybe, slowly, you begin to remember:
You are not here just to keep up with your life. You’re here to experience it and experiencing it means giving yourself permission to play.
A personal reflection
This past week, my friend MaryBeth who founded Create Space came to my office and held a workshop about play for the therapists that rent office space for me. It was beautiful to see these women that I know in a clinical sense share openly about what brings them joy and connection to themselves outside of their work and the roles they hold.
I was reminded of how my desire to create art, make messes, rearranging and piddle with things in the house and play in the garden/outside with my chickens is something that I have enjoyed a variation of my whole life.
If you aren’t familiar, with Create Space, MaryBeth offers 10-week cohort based programs for women who want to both connect with themselves and explore hobbies with other women in the Charlotte area. Check her out, because this is truly such a cool offering and while it’s not geared to only neurodivergent women, it is a great opportunity for us!
Want more? Let’s connect!
I am so excited to share that I am hosting my VERY FIRST Neurodivergent Crafting Night Out on 9/17. Use code CRAFTY at checkout to save $5 on your ticket!
Join my upcoming group: Chaos to Compassion for women with ADHD . This group is a 6 week program open to participants worldwide. Groups run from 12-1PM EST or 6-7 PM EST via Zoom.
Work with me: I offer virtual counseling in NC and SC as well as ADHD coaching support to those outside of NC & SC.
Email: rachel@racheltenny.com for more information.
Resources for ADHD: I have a library of mental health resources and a section just for ADHD and Women with a Late Diagnosis!
Are you a therapist? I offer supervision and consulting for therapists as well as The Therapist Toolbox Resource Library for other providers.
Related posts
As a therapist who works primarily with women with a late ADHD diagnosis, I notice a few common themes that most of the neurodivergent I spend time with experience:
- Limited Free-Time: We rarely allow ourselves free time. Whether that is due to over-functioning, baseline business, or exhaustion. There is little time left for fun or hobbies.
- 100000% In: We go all in. Like research everything, buy $500 worth of supplies, become obsessed for a week and then never think of it again.
- Losing our Connection: Not having any idea of what we enjoy doing, which comes up a lot for neurodivergent moms. The idea that somehow we lost part of ourselves in becoming parents and don’t know how to connect with that part again.
- Hobby to Business: Turning your hobby into a business. The pipeline to noticing you’re good at something and then realizing you can in fact make money doing it should be studied.
When you have ADHD, it can feel like you are never not “managing” yourself. Whether it’s trying to make sure you’re doing enough, showing up in a way that doesn’t show how hard things are, or just trying not to drop the ball. It’s a lot…and your inner critic, well she (he/they) are often sitting on your shoulder making sure you don’t mess up and reminding you of all the times you did in case you get too comfortable.
I like the idea of externalizing our inner critic as “us, but not us”. Our inner critic is a part of us that likely developed to keep us from those moments when we experienced guilt and shame and heartbreak. Even when we try to slow down or take a break, our inner critic is often there, watching and waiting. Like the house guest who won’t go away, because more than anything, they don’t want us to experience failure or hard emotional responses.
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Not because you don’t care. Not because you’re not trying.
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From the outside, it can look like laziness, inconsistency, or a lack of discipline.
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It’s this:
“I feel misunderstood all the time.”
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