Acknowledging Self Criticism & Developing Self-Compassion

When you have ADHD, it can feel like you are never not “managing” yourself. Whether it’s trying to make sure you’re doing enough, showing up in a way that doesn’t show how hard things are, or just trying not to drop the ball. It’s a lot…and your inner critic, well she (he/they) are often sitting on your shoulder making sure you don’t mess up and reminding you of all the times you did in case you get too comfortable.

I like the idea of externalizing our inner critic as “us, but not us”. Our inner critic is a part of us that likely developed to keep us from those moments when we experienced guilt and shame and heartbreak. Even when we try to slow down or take a break, our inner critic is often there, watching and waiting. Like the house guest who won’t go away, because more than anything, they don’t want us to experience failure or hard emotional responses.

While sometimes our inner critic can be like a supportive cheerleader (let’s face it that is probably rare), it often shows up more like a nagging or overly critical parental figure. As many of my neurodivergent clients share in sessions, their inner critic often sounds like an adult they know and received real criticism from in childhood.

Many people with ADHD spend years hearing messages like:

• “Try harder.”
• “You have so much potential.”
• “You just need to apply yourself.”
• “You know better than this.”

And when you’re not hearing them anymore from someone else? The criticism starts, because somewhere along the way, you learned that self-criticism was supposed to help keep you motivated and accountable. These high expectations often feel like you are carrying around a backpack full of rocks and create a sense that you are constantly falling short.

Why self-compassion can feel so uncomfortable

One of the things I often work with clients on is creating more self-compassion. Asking someone to “be more kind to themselves” is often met with some kind of rebuttable, maybe even an eye roll or two.

Without intentionally doing so, the idea of compassion creates a lot of activation and resistance, because we often believe that if we are kinder to ourselves or show ourselves compassion we will become lazy. If we stop pushing ourselves, we will stop accomplishing things. If we let ourselves off the hook, we will never improve or reach our goals.

So self-criticism starts to feel necessary…like the glue that is keeping our carefully orchestrated existence from crumbling.

The cycle of criticism and the part people don’t see 

Like most experience with ADHD (and probably life), things are cyclical and happen in patterns…

You criticize yourself.

You panic.

You push harder.

You get the thing done.

So it feels like the criticism helped, but what we often overlook is the toll it took on our bodies, nervous systems and well-being. The things that often are a byproduct of self-criticism are anxiety, burnout, exhaustion and the constant feeling that nothing you do is ever enough.

Self-criticism isn’t motivating, it is truly exhausting. Instead of just managing ADHD, you’re also managing the story you tell yourself about ADHD.

Why self-compassion matters

Self-compassion isn’t lowering the bar. In fact, it’s pretty much a third alternative path:changing how you respond when you don’t meet the goal.

Research consistently shows that self-compassion is associated with greater resilience, persistence, and emotional well-being. Things that I think we can all agree we would like to experience more of, right?

The research shows that when people feel safe to make mistakes, they are actually more likely to keep trying. When failing isn’t seen like the worst thing, you are more likely to take risk, not less.

(Need this as a reminder? Grab this as a digital download in my shop!)

What actually helps (and what doesn’t)

Shaming yourself into change rarely creates sustainable growth. What helps is learning how to support yourself the way you’d support someone you care about.

Some supportive strategies for self-compassion:

• Notice your self-talk
  Pay attention to how often criticism shows up and in what situations you experience it most. 
  
• Question the standard
  Would you expect this from anyone else? Would you say the things you say to yourself to someone else? 
  
• Separate effort from outcome
  A difficult day doesn’t erase your effort. A hard moment isn’t who you are. 
  
• Practice neutral language
  Instead of “I’m lazy” try “I’m struggling right now”. 
  
• Give yourself credit for what’s working
  Even if it feels small, because those little moments add up. 

Work with your brain, not against it

If self-criticism has been your main source of motivation, self-compassion may feel unfamiliar at first.

That’s okay, like anything new, it takes time. The goal of being more compassionate isn’t to stop caring or pushing yourself towards the things you care about, i’s to stop believing that shame is the only thing keeping you moving.

Your brain doesn’t need more judgment or criticism, it has already experienced enough of that up to this point. Because this isn’t about lowering expectations, it’s about changing the way you treat yourself when you struggle.

A few reflection questions to think on…

What would it look like to be on my own side right now?

1. How would I respond to someone I love if they were experiencing this?

2. What keeps me from offering myself compassion?

3. Do I hear someone else’s voice in my head when there is criticism?

You do not have to hate yourself into becoming a better version of yourself and you don’t have to earn kindness by being productive first. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do isn’t to push harder, it’s learning how to offer yourself the same compassion you so freely give to everyone else.

If you want more support for self-worth and self-compassion, I have an Introduction Guide available on my website with more support, techniques, and prompts. 

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Want more support?

Join my upcoming group: Chaos to Compassion for women with ADHD . While my current group is in full swing, I will start a new cohort in late July/early August and will start a wait-list for that group now.

Work with me: I offer virtual counseling in NC and SC as well as coaching for executive functioning support to those outside of NC & SC.

Email: rachel@racheltenny.com for more information.

Resources for ADHD: I have a library of mental health resources and a section just for ADHD and Women with a Late Diagnosis!

Are you a therapist? I offer supervision and consulting for therapists as well as The Therapist Toolbox Resource Library for other providers.