Co-Regulation: Borrowing Calm and Navigating Relationships

“People won’t remember what you said, they won’t remember what you did, but they will remember how you made them feel,” said Maya Angelou. This profound statement captures the essence of co-regulation—how we impact others and how they impact us both biologically and interpersonally.

As a mental health therapist, I strive to make mental health more accessible and relatable. Today, I want to delve into the concept of co-regulation, exploring how others can both help and hinder our ability to regulate our nervous system when we’re in a state of dysregulation.

What is Co-Regulation?

Our nervous systems are constantly assessing for safety, often through involuntary cues like movements, tones, and gestures. This happens so quickly that it often occurs outside of our conscious awareness.

Co-regulation occurs when we use the support of others who we feel safe and comfortable with to bring ourselves back to a more regulated state. Essentially, it’s about “borrowing someone else’s calm” or “sharing our calm.” Our nervous systems are influenced by the nervous systems of those around us (Check out Nervous System: Reporting For Duty for more on the nervous system). When our bodies perceive the words or actions of someone else as safe and secure, we react to that, often involuntarily.

Co-regulation can include:

• A warm or calming presence
• A soothing tone of voice
• Verbal acknowledgment of distress
• Modeling behaviors that can modulate arousal
• An environment that supports emotional and physical safety

When we are in a regulated state, our thoughts are more neutral and kinder. However, when we are dysregulated, we struggle to differentiate between what is fact and what are just negative thoughts creeping in.

The Impact of Others

Have you ever noticed a shift in your mood when around certain people? Or did you feel a change in the dynamic between you and someone else without understanding why? This is co-regulation in action. The nervous system of one individual influences the nervous system of another. When we perceive someone’s words or actions as a potential threat, our bodies react involuntarily. Our thoughts and reactions change, and we feel activated or triggered.

Understanding External Resources

External resources are people, relationships, places, and other external things that bring you back into regulation. When we are dysregulated, connecting with someone who makes us feel safe can help us feel grounded and connected. Conversely, being around someone who doesn’t make us feel safe can have the opposite effect.

Reflecting on Your Relationships

Begin to notice how your body responds to the people around you. Check-in with your current relationships or those you have been in the past by asking the following questions:

• Do you feel more or less regulated after spending time with this person?
• How does the way they talk or speak about themselves impact you?
• How does the way you feel about yourself change around certain people?

Just as others can help us find a place of regulation, they can also take us out of those places. Depending on how sensitive your nervous system is, you may become more easily distressed when others are in distress.

Recognizing Dysregulating Relationships

Think about times when the people you are in relationships with are upset. How does your body respond? What about when they are angry? This is normal, and it’s important to pay attention to. If certain relationships feel more dysregulating to your nervous system, that may be a sign that they are not safe or healthy.

When we feel safe and connected, we feel less need to prove ourselves or show that we are worthy of the relationship or experience. It isn’t a black-or-white situation, but the way our bodies respond to someone else can tell us a lot about whether or not we feel safe with them.

It All Comes Back to the Nervous System

Understanding your nervous system involves understanding how it responds to the nervous systems of those around you. Our bodies are constantly assessing for safety, which often involves involuntary cues we perceive from those around us. Begin to notice your body’s responses and use this awareness to foster healthier, more supportive relationships.

Are you interested in learning more about your nervous system and how to regulate it? Check out my Understanding Your Nervous System Guide for an in-depth look at Nervous System 101, along with helpful worksheets and lessons to learn more about your triggers, glimmers, and how to map and regulate your system.

Remember, the goal isn’t to always be regulated but to be able to detect when we are feeling triggered, understand what triggered us, and learn to return to a place of regulation. Take it slow; you’ve got this!